love ???

Sometimes , I just wanna feel that I’m wanted & I’m being loved . Is that so hard after all ?? Sigh , guess thcome e time is not ripe yet , my time haven’t come . It’s reli sad to say that I can reli trust no 1 in this world , that might be the cause of this … never ending emptiness of my fragile heart … I just can’t fill this hole no matter how many friendships I tried to put in . Maybe that is just not the right ingredient , I guess I need love . Love love …

Will things finally be better??

My alarm went off at 7am , I snoozed it for another couple of minutes as I’m just too tired to wake up on time . After I woke up , I started to arrange stuffs to put into my bag , clothes to wear , ironing , shower and never forgetting to have breakfast before attending my YKT103 at dkA . Coincidentally I met my buddies , Melvin & Vincent while I was on my way there but we know we are late haha …

And so we were , em … about 5 minutes if I’m not mistaken . Fortunately , Mr. Strict(my lecturer) has not started the lecture yet . I was like , PHEW !!! I finally saw my some1 & I felt embarrassing after the little thing which had happened few days back . Oh MAN , WHAT SHOULD I DO ? GOD , SHOW ME A PATH!! After the lecture , I was too fucking embarrass til I don’t dare to look her in the eyes . It was like SHIT !!! Nevertheless , things got beta after that & I was so glad it turned out to be so much more beta than I could ever imagine . I mean , that was the best I could have & deserve & I know I can never ask more than that . I feel like saying thank you & … but due to some unforeseeable circumstances , I just swallowed IT when it reaches my mouth . So ya , I didn’t say it . But I’m certain that there will be plenty of chances for me for doing so . At this moment right now , I just can post it here but next time … I will do it =) Thank you so much & yes I love you .

An uncle joined my group for YKT 103 today right after the class finishes . I was wondering how come I’ve never seen him before , I mean during last week . And so he told me he just undergoing bi-past (not sure whether I spell it out right) last week . He has got my fullest respect when I found out that he was already 69 years old this year . Although he had been absence for twice last week so if he ever absent for 1 more time , he will be bared . I went straight to MR. STRICT(my lecturer) and attempt to negotiate with him regarding this issue . NO EXCEPTION !!! was the final . Man at least I tried , as a fren , as a group leader & as respect & love to senior citizens . After my ogx meeting , I went back to cubicle alone to type my reports & outcomes for some interview regarding my task for NRIC . I know I must do this real serious cuz what I’m typing will be published in poster & internet later . I went to attend my YKT103’s very 1^st tutorial class at 4pm & wus101 tutorial after that at 5pm .

Finally , I can get myself back to my room , hugging my lovely bolster and rest myself a little . I’m going to SS to countdown tonight so I hope it will turn out fun . Just hope I can see her again soon …

I was wondering for times

I was wondering for times , times when I woke up , times before I sleep & times when I’m thinking of this . Am I wrong for loving some1 ? Am I so wrong for loving some1 I shouldn’t ? Since I realized how my heart feels , I can take no more of this , sigh . Just hope this feeling will soon be faded away so things can return back to the form they should be , at least for me … Soon I found my self drowning in this sands of time , falling in this never ending black hole , hoping things will finally get better , time after time , day after day . If you happens to bump me somewhere , help me outta there as I might have again fallen from the stars , fallen like some fallen angels , found my self so lost in this …

rare sunday where I felt kinda depressed

My alarm went off around 8.30 in the morning but I woke up before that . Not forgetting I need to meet up with Lotte at tekun café to visit an Indian temple near Tesco . We took breakfast together before departure . Once we reached Sri Krishna Bagawan Alayam(temple in tamil) , the prayer was already started . So we just joined in & sat behind an Indian family . After asking , we found out that the prayer today was to worship the monkey god – Hanuman . After some rituals , the Indian priest bathed the monkey god with milk , coconut water , some yellowish & orange color-like liquids . For the family who is taking up the responsibility in worshiping the god , prayers will be going on and they will have lunch after the prayer . There are 1008 songs they have in worshiping the monkey god but only a few will be sang during the prayer . After finish bathing Hanuman , we are given milk & coconut water which were poured onto our palms to consume .Milk representing long life while coconut water representing the gift of power . I’m was given kunkuman (the red dot on the forehead) right after that . Oh yeah , she as well . There are actually 3 different types of colours where they will apply on the forehead sometimes . As I mentioned earlier , kunkuman(red) representing blessing & protection from the god of birth , vibudi(white) representing blessing & protection from the god of protection while santhana(yellow) representing the blessing & protection from the god of death . If you dunno them , they are Brahma , Siva & Vishnu which are the creator , protector & destroyer of Hinduism . These are blessings & protection from gods which keeps the evil away from harming you .

We joined them to sing some songs (in the purpose of worship) including vaaltholi , namaavalzi , murugan songs & also rama songs(I just a name a few cuz they are like so many) . It lasted about nearly 1 hour , or might be more & there is another prayer after that . According to the priest , Indian temple must be closed around 11.30 in the morning cuz the gods will be resting starting from 12 in the noon .Nevertheless , there will be exceptions if there is a prayer going on like today .

It was strange to say that although they are making so much of noises (with all due respects & mean no harm ) throughout the whole prayer , I felt kinda peaceful deep in my heart . I really need this so badly as I’m feeling kinda down in recent 2 or 3 days . So I told myself to just only be like this in 3 days! 3 days ! Is the only duration I’ll ever be like this & feel like locking my self in somewhere . NOT A DAY MORE , NOT A DAY LESS . And today was the 2^nd day . Vance , come back ya . U can be like this NO MORE !!! I know feeling this long foraging peaceful deep in my heart was the power of having a religious belief .I experienced that before while I was doing mass at St.Michael Church back in Ipoh(my hometown)although I’m actually a free thinker with no particular religious stand .Somehow , I do believe there are greater power beyond mankind and I believe most in the values I feel that are righteous and on top of that , I BELIEVE IN MY SELF . No matter is it about choosing my path of life , my inner feelings & my very own abilities .I was so surprised to see there were 2 or 3 Chinese came in around 11.30 in the morning .I guess that was what cross culture is about . Understand , accept , respect & love not only different cultures but different community as well as how & what me & Lotte are doing at this moment . Rather than just materially understands it , I prefer to feel & experienced it in a more practical manner . Anything serving to god must be in odd number while offerings for ancestors & forefathers will be in even number .

During the lunch , we were given this sweet snack called Ladu , it is mainly made from ghee(kept cow milk) . Oh I love that as it was as sweet as my some1 =) Man I’m really sick of feeling depress 24-7 in these 2 days , it was so god damn torturing my mind . Before I left , I interviewed a very nice Indian lady Madame Krishnaveni regarding the NRIC project of mine . So , there are just 2 pep left for me to interview in coming 2 days . Initially , she declined after knowing her photo will be published on a poster as well as the internet but after my effort of pursuing , she finally nodded her head & I was like thank god for looking after me . I went back to my hostel after that & I’m really glad I did learned something new & met some real nice pep from different ethnicity .

some of my hidden thoughts where u might wanna know

Wow , what a refreshing morning I have after woke up =) It was that glaring sunlight again coming in from the window that woke me up around 7sth . Reminisce bout last night right before going to bed , I nearly make some big mistakes where I’ll be regret sooner or later . For god sake I was like drunk & some words just slipped outta my tongue when they shouldn’t be . I never thought I’ll expressed my feelings towards a very good fren of mine , & thank god she was open enough to take this & her openness saved our friendship =) I’m so glad for that . You know , a relationship is like reputation sometimes >>> lifetime to build , seconds to destroy<<< . I was like OH MY GOD , is some thing just gone wrong in me??? Why I made a move like this all of a sudden & I certainly didn’t think much about the consequences that this will lead to . What keeps bugging me was that am I taking her too much as a friend & caring her way too much beyond how it should be ??? I’ve thinking bout this but after I made up my mind , liking some1 or even loving some1 is just a natural chemical reaction which all of us will be experienced . My choice was to care for her still , watch her back like how I used to (not really sure if I’m really doing this) & yes , go on as how we use to be . I know this might sounds kinda ridiculous but it is more or less like a “knight” which will be on her demand anytime . Maybe this is what we called “true friendship” cuz I never really have 1 before though it might sound miserable .

I don’t have any happy schooling days back in my form6 studies especially after I broke up with my 2^nd gf which coincidentally happens to be in the same class room with . Things were good before the break up . But after on & off for 3 times (she wanted to break for the 1^st & 2^nd while I took the initiative to break up & end this agonizing relationship for the 3^rd time) that is the final & where bad things started to happen . They created this thing called AVC (Anti Vance Clan) in the mid of January of 2007 . In my class there were approximately 43 pupils while 36 of them are AVC members & others are neutral(maybe) . In other words , I’m all alone throughout the whole year . Not only that , they started recruiting members from other classes as well . Man those day was really sucks & terrible for me . I’ve found out later where they actually created an account in friendster & started sending testimonials which are mainly to comment & condemn bout me as if that is a platform for them to really do so . When I found out , I was really pissed but “never let anger cloud your judgement” . After I calmed my self down , I learned to deal with all these . What hurts me the most was that I lost a few of my friends (where I thought they are my friends before the incident) some one them even were my childhood friends due to their influence for dunno what reason . It was really heart breaking when I looked my friends in the eye & they just ignored you . Another thing for causing this will only be my popularity in school . I played basketball & I’m the capt for the school team so take makes me popular among my school mates . It actually make me feels good when my juniors (from form 1 to form5) always come to me & ask me to play basketball with them or even teach them like how to shoot , how to lay up , how to block , how to rebound & how to be strong willed when you are some points behind your opponent [cuz I’m the best player in school ya=)] . My form teacher have been asking me to stand in front of the class & do sharing bout my English cuz as a matter of fact , I actually came from a Chinese study background but yet my English is still better than most of them who is originally English-ed . I guess that is one of the root cause of the spreading & on-growing jealousy of these people. I even performed during the teachers’ day . It might sound weird but I sang “when I’m gone” by one of my favorite singer “Eminem” when I’m representing CLS(Chinese Language Society) . I found it feel so good during my singing when I see the reaction of the crowd which consists of students form1 to upper 6 which approximately 2000 pupils giving me responses , waving their hands & singing with me as well . This became a hot issue in my school for like weeks after the performance . There are actually more things these AVCians do but I dun wanna talk bout that . But you know what , rather than hatred , it is actually a thanks I owe them as I grew up because of this & I started not believing any single pep around me . I learned not to have faith & trust in pep . It was a heartaching past of mine & it still makes me feel bad after all this while .

Things changed after I came to uni as I soon realized there are actually pep I can trust like my best pals I have here >>>Melvin , Vincent , Clarian , Kok Hung , Edison , Shin Yen , Nyok Yin , Jason (?) & some other nice pep which I didn’t mention here . I started to open the window of my heart to these pep & that was when I found myself regain this long forsaken trust & faith for friends . I mean I appreciate them a lot more than they ever know so I must “be happy(even sometimes I’m down)” when I’m with them cuz I wanna see their happy faces which are nothing more than what I want . It seems like the goddess of luckiness is by my side to lead me in meeting AIESEC(@) , an organization which I like so much & makes me feel like I’m at home . Looking back when I 1^st went to “malam mesra” of AIESEC(@) , I was like wow !!! banging “tables” , shouting WASSUPs !!! & being highly energetic was my very first impression bout @ . After their slides are shown , I’m convinced that “man I wanna be in a part of this” and so I joined . My interest , curiosity & desire grow as time goes on . That was why I applied for being an OC (organizing committee) for LLDS & I failed . But this small failure didn’t dishearten me & I went to apply for OC of Youth Alive’07(HIV/AIDS issue based project) . After I got my position as an OC of programme , I took the initiative to become the secretary as well . Not long after that , I applied to become JE(junior excecutive) for OGX(Out Going eXchange dept) in @ . Fortunately , I got it all . It was a yeah!!!=)

That was the start of my @ story & a start for me in meeting all these wonderful pep like ayami , monami , Stefan , charina , serena , ching ling , rubi , nadia , hua khee , ranveer , yin wei , rachel & andrew (seniors) . Besides , I found true friendship in here as well by meeting them >>>zahirah(my beloved darling haha) , zhe rong , ekun , Jessica , wen thyng (juniors like me) . Besides locals , I met some internationals as well during the recent NLDS(National Leadership Development Seminar) which was held in UM . For instance , Dat & Thung from Vietnam , Vera & Addison from Taiwan , Eloise & Flic from Australia , Yanne from Finland , Tya from Indonesia , Valerie from Hong Kong , David from New Zealand , Ivan from Singapore , Yun Zhou from China & some really wonderful facis like Schwonne . Well I’m a little bit tired now , so I will share u guys later ya …=)

To be continued …

day where water supply runs out!!!

Man , the water supply of our restrooms runs short around 10 sth in the morning & totally out around 11 . Can u imagine the whole hostel is out of water supply including felo ??? This was sucks . Only 1 thing popped up in my mind {shit!how am I gonna take my shower at night??Oh Oh !!!}

I intended to visit St. Nicholas’ Home , some old folks home & orphanage for interviewing some of them regarding my NRIC ( National Research & Innovation Competition ’08) publicity task but it turned out not so good cuz the office was closed & I’m asked to make appointment via phone call on next week . What happened later was that I dunno how to come back from gurney & yes I’m LOST …

Without procrastination , I asked some passerby to show me the right direction to get back to Sg 2 but they came out with a few versions , I mean oh my god . After keep on trying , I finally succeeded to make my way back to Sg 2 but I determined to go straight to queensbay before I go back to my hostel to meet up with Lotte (my dutch intern) . I sent 2 text msgs to my some1 but sad to say I didn’t get a single reply from her . Seeing no reply from her make me realized sth , I had been struggling to understand what my mind and body trying to tell me , and right then I knew what it was , everything was working together , sending a msg to my heart . I think I’m used to having her in my life , as a very good friend . And now I think the situation might have changed , we can no longer be as how we were before last night , at least before the slipped of sth outta my tongue . Now my heart was sending a msg to the rest of my body , pain … I think I have to sort out a way to cease this happening again . So I went to the gamming centre & spent some pennies in there where I’ve never done so in 2 or 3 years time believe it or not . I really hope it is just me who is thinking & worrying to much =(

I know she is now having hard times dealing with her relationship am I’m really sorry if she happens to view this post cuz she really means a lot to me . Sorry ya darling =)

Not so long after I’m feeling depressed , the message alert of my hp went off & GOD THERE WAS A TEXT FROM HER !!! I started to feel that man there is still some hope ya . My emotions go like a rollercoaster I must admit . What is your preference >>> loving some1 or being loved by some1??? I wonder what gone wrong in me till I got this chemical reaction , yeah I know , it’s just 1 side k .

I went out to have dinner with my beloved intern & hand her the gift prepared by me & Shin Yen (a beloved friend of mine) and you know what the outcome is =) We headed to the night market which is in front of tesco & we took dinner at a restaurant in front of pekaka . After meeting sumalin & pat , we walked for a little while & visited an Indian temple which is just next to tesco .

Fortunately , there was this nice Indian guy – Kahli showing us around the temple & explaining bout the Hindu beliefs & gods as well . We are talking bout Brahma , Vishnu , Siva & some other gods with animal face like elephant , monkey & lion . I was so happy to get exposed to sth new & guess what we are invited to go for some kind of prayers on the next morning =)

In the long run , this is my how my “today” is . Still feel like missing my some1 , but after I made up my mind , that is the final =)

shopping day?

Aarrgh … I slept around 10 last time as I was really really exhausted to keep myself for being awake for any longer . I woke up at 7 in the morning & of course wash up myself & go down to café to have my very first meal of the day . Gosh it is MALAY FRIED RICE AGAIN in my breakfast menu . I meet up with one of my best friend – shin hen (but she preferably being called syen???) after that around 9am at pusat seni in order to register a tutorial class for my YKT112 which I shared you in my previous blog post which lectured by a Chinese-like Malay lecturer by the name Dr. Zain . I went to check out my academic fees for my mass comm studies for this semester but god I went to a wrong place which was HEP . At that moment I called Nyok Yin(a very good friend of mine as well) to check out the proper location of Bendahari as she was there at the moment . Well , finally I got it right =) Hooray !!! haha .

Before going out to queensbay by bike with Shin Yen , Nyok Yin & Jason(another good friend of mine) I met my beloved intern – Lotte (she is a dutch) & we were chatting about room mate issue of us haha . It’s like we both have some really unfriendly & introvert room mate where studying is the only thing they get their heads in . What in common is that our room mate will still be sleeping when their alarm goes off & we are the one which will be awaken . I mean , it’s really disturbing & irritating when we need some rest you know !!! What is more , my room mate only turn the fan on to 1 or 2 or maybe 3 (the spinning level or we call that speed of spinning) at most when we are about to sleep . THIS IS WHY I’m HOT !!! We also talk bout news of the killed of Bhutto in Pakistan last night by some suicide boomer which boomed them self after shooting Bhutto in the neck & chest .

Well I went to Sg 2 to meet up with Shin Yen & Nyok Yin around 12 sth in the afternoon so that we can go to queensbay together & meet Jason there . Right there is when my constant nagging headache started aching again after I took pain killers . Our first spot after meeting Jason will of course fill up our empty belly and after consideration we took our lunch at Johnny’s which is next to MongKok & Taiwan’s Bull . We sat there & have some chit-chatting until around 2pm , we moved our ass and headed to PADINI (my favourite outlet) . We went to borders(book store) to get my intern some gifts (reading materials) as her souvenir from our side and it cost nearly a hundred , wow !!! Sugoi desune!! I bought my self a water bottle as I really need one cuz mine was spoiled for about 2 months if I’m not mistaken .

We headed to Tribal spot(I wonder if I’m right if this is the name of the boutique) & you know what our friend Nyok Yin have “met” an outfit which she really love . So em , we persuade her to give a try , I mean of course before you are buying . I picked her a bracelet & a pair of earings as some of the accessories to fit that outfit & it turned out perfectly . Since her birthday is just around the corner , the evil threesome(Vance,Jason & Shin Yen) has come out with an idea where we will give this as her birthday gift later . But the matter is how we gonna persuade her NOT TO BUY it since she is so into it??? So , Shin Yen tried out the same outfit & of course Nyok Yin will be standing somewhere near her & in the meanwhile , I bought the bracelet & earings together with 2 pairs of earings (it’s better for her to chose which to put on if she is given more options) . What I did next was kept on saying MAN ! THAT WAS A LOUSY ONE YOU HAVE TRIED ON !!! WOW , IT WAS WAY TOO DEAR FOR A LOUSY SHIRT LIKE THAT !!! It was a bit hard to put her down . Eventually , Shin Yen bought it & me & Jason went up to S&J to look for some real cool gift box & ribbon .=) After everything done , the both of us went to PADINI to spot for some nice garments to buy . Actually I’m just accompanying him cuz I already bought 2 pants yesterday . As an end result of keep on trying the coat he likes , the final deal is Rm130 after discount . Man it was cheap!!!

Our last thing left to do before leaving was to surprise our beloved Nyok Yin =) So umph , we delivered her our gift box(from S&J if you are still with me) & asked her to open it . For sure , she cried , but out of joy & appreciation . Thank you was the only word came out from her mouth at that moment . I was like so envy her cuz non of my friends really celebrated my birthday for me before & don’t even mention about receiving presents . I’m kinda sad bout that actually . We rushed back to DTSP to attend our SHE101 lecture but it ended at 6pm although it started at 5pm . I took my dinner with Shin Yen & Jason & that was when I wrote something in my gifts to Lotte . So the next step is ask her out . Since I’m going out to orphanage , old folks home & St. Nicholas(home for the Blinds) for an interview session , dinner is the only slot left for me before I do my assignments . After all this , my heavy headache is still bugging me .

the very 1st blog post of vance=)

27th Dec ’07 (Thursday)
~well this was my very first ever having a blog of my own n of course I feel EXCITED haha . This is because my teacher back in 2ndary used 2 talk us about blogging n stuffs n guess what, she asked us to go for blogging as well. Ever since that, blogging had been sometimes spinning in my head but here comes another question, HOW CAN I EVER APPLY FOR 1??? Fortunately , I just met my buddy zhe rong (fat buddy maybe) when I was going on9 to settle some stuffs & yes I finally created a blog for my own with his assistance . I think I owe him one for that.
~for so many pep I might sounds cool n a little arrogant but the fact is that they need 2 get to know me better, just go a little bit deeper 2 seek the truth lies beneath. For m , love might means something but friendship means almost everything , I hate 2 admit it but sometimes I can’t live without friends haha . I hate 2 be alone or be in a stage of solitary as well. I guess that is a part where I dun wan other s to know =)
~oh yeah , I wanna share something bout my YKT112’s Chinese-like malay lecturer . I find him quite nice n possess really good presentation and persuasion skills . He is good =) I mean among those lectures I have met in this semester. I do like proverbs & he managed to deeply impressed me by coming out with a phrase by William Arthur Ward >>> If you can imagine it , you can achieve it . If you can dream of it , you will become it. It was a so powerful and inspiring thought of the day he was trying to implant us .Well I was happy because that is what I believe in , I’ll become the 5% of the world population which will make differences , create impacts & change the world someday . I have my own favorite phrase which is quite similar to this 1 >>> Life is definitely a journey , and you make the decisions at some point of your path to take control of your path . It is 100% up to you , and as long as you know what you want , it can be obtained … Just wanna tell u guys that , don’t set limitations to your thoughts & dreams as you will never know how high you can soar in your future . There is no limitation unless your very own self set it for your self . Is a son of a farmer must become a farmer ? Is a son of a teacher must become a teacher ? Is a college student must be only fits in a working environment , a job where related to his/her field of studies ? Well that is really something to think about . And the day you really figure this out will be the day you can really make a difference in the path of your life .